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Happy 19th, El :)

When relationship breaks up, you have to get used to not hearing "I miss you" and "I love you", because the love fades. You have to facing heartbreak that maybe someday someone will plays your role. Your beloved one loves someone else, and each day, your chances to go back is getting thinner each day.

I know there were so much crap during our relationship, and I realized that we have tried to fixing it up but result didn't come as we hoped for. In my memory, everything was just like yesterday and for once, I thought in the back of my head, or maybe in the back of my heart that our separation is just for some times. We need to be alone, and things will magically turned back again. But I guess, I was wrong. That i got disillusioned. Each time i tried to close the door, in the bottom of my heart kept saying you will running towards me again and resulted i love you even more.

Bule, i used to believe that "if it's meant to be, it will be" but i forgot that "if its not meant to be, it wont be". Seeing your pictures with her, tickled my heart. And seemed that she needs you more than me. So for you, im happy for you.

I dont want us to remain as enemies but u never say sorry. so I guess, as long as these scars still linger, let's be a stranger with memories

Yes, we've been 'friends'. That's not even a question. And you still the first that I would like to call when I feel so much happy or sad. Well, you probably not, I could see it clearly.

True, our breakup isn't just a 'breakup' for me. It was extremely horrible and painful, at least for me. Because we (or its solely me) wholeheartedly believed that we are IT for each other. Yes, we had our run, it was good (for the most part). And now we're goin on our separate ways, you found someone else, and... I'm happy for you.

But I still not ready to see you, because I know its goin to be really hard. Let me explain,

Why? Because I still couldn't remember that you're not with me. I don't know who you are outside of me. You've only ever been mine for a while. Kissing my fingers, and playing my hair. And I could not stand imagine that you did those to someone else. It's kinda weird you know? Watching your own past like a silent movie where someone else plays my role. And I'm sitting say, "well i used to be that girl"

Why? Well even though some what I thought I don't miss you, I still kind of do -sometimes. Ive checked myself, and I don't want you back, you left a scar that runs deep. Well, I don't miss your stubbornness, your selfishness. I hate the fact that you lied to me that you quited. Well it doesn't matter anymore tho, because I'm not the one who will be single when you die. I bet you still believe that smoking doesn't kill you.

Why? Well, it's because I won't be able to make myself fake liking her. I'll wonder why you decided to call her "love". Did she always waited and refused to sleep just to have a convo with you? Did she willing to go, even using bus just to clear her worry about your feeling towards her? Did she patiently calling you to woke you up so you won't be late? Did she making you cup of tea? Did she always pray for you everytime she kneeled her legs down? Despite, well maybe she's way better than me in style and fashion -like you always wanted I become. But, I'll ignore this fact.

Maybe, I'm goin to watching you tell her "I love you" or "Happy Monthversary" by twitter. Phrases that you used to tell me, when you loved me. Well, Now I understand another phrase that "People change so does feeling", but maybe I'm goin to learn another one that "Heart moves on". I dont want us to remain as enemies, but u never say sorry. so I guess, as long as these scars still linger, let's not talk to each others. Let's be a stranger with memories

At least we're not the antagonist of this story

There will be a moment when we stopped and venture outside ourworld. To remind ourselves what we've through, who we are, where we are. To let ourselves bein thankful that God kept away assholes from our life and let us cherished people that still stand beside us.

With time all this has come to fade. Not the facts mind you, not the memories per se. But the affective that the feeling has no longer there. And it's not time that healed it, but aging. Is what we might call maturity: bearing precisely this loss — not the loss of memory but the loss of memory’s presence. When we finally accepted the things we cried on and smile because we go on. When we finally sighed for that at least, here we are not the antagonist in this story.

Happy Birthday Mama!
Now I realized that time flies and its terrifies.
Mama, you for me are amazing.
The fact that you who is fragile as a woman, but have to be strong as a Mother.

I remember back then, when I was still your little Gaby.
I used to play with your high heels and want to be a barbie.
The immature me who always acted like a boss, but actually is a crybaby.

Now I have grown up.
Me who used call you when you would back home, are the one who got asked "Nak, jam berapa pulang?"
I never realized that now the egoistic and spoil me is your burden.

On the day when you sent me for study abroad. I cried all day and said dont wanna go.But you rubbed my hair and say that I will fine. Why Mum? Because Gaby is Mama's smart girl.

When in time I returned home, I mostly spending it with friends and boyfriend. Never realized that you miss me even more. But never said anything and wait until I got time.

I recalled that day, when I got massive heartbreak. I was spending my day under my blanket. "Mama, I love him" I cried. You have me my dear, me who always loving you beyond anything.

Mama, I'm sorry for me who always full of flaws. Always fulfill your mind with worried and burden. On your birthday, for the first time I got anxious. Thought that clock ticks forward, so every moment should be precious. Can you don't get older Mom? Because I couldn't imagine how my life would be, without you in it.

Do you know what it feels like when it's really hard to even type "Hello, how are you?" or "Happy Sunday, God bless you". Because you knew that you don't suppose to do that. In the end, you just sit there and tears building up in your eyes.

You took a deep breath and trying not to cry, you bite your lips and finally tears dropt hard. Hurts. Not because the pain that comes from the blood of your lips, but the scars that run deep in your heart havent left.

You want to be strong, because he is not the guy who used to hold your hands and kiss your forehead. He is not the guy who used to listen every stories on the phone. He also not the guy who used to shared a pillow with you and talked about your future child, 'Aurora'. Because that guy who used to look at you as you are God's gift, his valuable treasure, might be found his new treasure.

But darling, I told you that you are incredible, because no matter how many reasons he's given to you to hate him, you still love him and even not changes. You care about him when he told you that he hasnt done his assignments, you care about him when his bestfriend told you that he and him aren't that close anymore. You still want to fix him, and took care of him. And darling, you are amazing even when he told you that you and him should stay away from each other because his now getting a new one, you still wishing him to be happy and better with a pure intention.

Suatu waktu saya terhenyak, pikiran kabur melintas tentang, "Ingin sebentar saja, sebentar saja saya pergi dari hidup". Bukan, bukan untuk mati, tapi ingin saja untuk beberapa saat semua ini berhenti, saya ingin merasa dapat hidup lagi.

Saya mengundang Tuhan untuk hadir dan duduk didepan saya, dan saya merasakan hadiratNya. Kami berbincang mengenai masalah-masalah saya, dan maksudNya dalam hidup saya. Saya bertanya tentang keadilan, atau mungkin kebahagiaan? Karna tidak mungkin saya menunjuk dan menyalahkan-Nya atas beban yang saya rasakan, biarpun hari-hari ini sungguh sangat berat, ya Tuhan saya yang Pengasih.

" Bapa, ampuni saya, manusia yang tidak kunjung berhenti berkeluh kesah, tidak mensyukuri nikmat, dan hanya meminta. Mungkin Engkau sudah bosan dengan setiap doa yang selalu saya panjatkan, doa yang terus menerus menyebut nama'nya', bagaimana 'ia' yang memberikan seribu alasan untuk saya membencinya, tapi Kau masih menyediakan hati yang terlalu mencintai'nya. Atau.. bagaimana saya terus mengeluh tentang masalah yang Tuhan hadapkan pada saya dan keluarga saya. Bagaimana saya ingin mama dan papa akur kembali, kami duduk bersama bukan saling menyalahkan, kami berbual tentang hidup, waktu keluarga yang indah yang sudah tidak kami rasakan kembali. "

Apa bahagia diciptakan untuk dirasa? atau disyukuri setelah adanya cobaan? Tapi yang pasti semua tidak ada yang abadi, entah itu kebahagiaan, atau sengsara.

Tuhan saya dapat menyelesaikan perkara mustahil. Saya tidak bersujud untuk sesuatu yang lebih baik, karna mungkin, saya tidak layak untuk mendapatkannya. Yang mungkin saya minta, adalah bagaimana keikhlasan untuk menerima ini semua, kebijaksanaan untuk menyingkapi, sehingga semua beban yang begitu berat saya rasakan dapat menjadi pesan dikemudian hari, bahwa pada akhirnya, I survived.